Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder has taken the place of Bi-Polar Disorder as one of the least understood dis-eases. Manic Depression or Bi-Polar has several celebrities who have said they suffer from it and others have helped make the bi-polar person real and the label less dreaded.

The same thing needs to be done to BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). It is not the end of the world to be diagnosed, and you can live a productive life with good treatment, self awareness, and medication.

In my case, I was not aware that I was different until my first year in college. I had not suffered the splits where your self becomes fractured until that date. After coming home from college I did not realize that it could happen again. I thought it was the pressures of being away and unhappy at a college I did not like that caused the "break down". I thought I had a nervous breakdown pure and simple---whatever that may be.

The next episode occurred at my first job teaching in private schools. I had gone around the world that summer and felt a lot of dissociation, similar to splitting where you sense of self feels empty or gone. It is difficult to act, talk, make decisions if who you are is not being continuous , or you feel your self is vacant.

I was lucky that I could compose myself sometimes quickly. I was resilient. My attitude was to keep going. I thought it would pass. There was a long period of highs and lows: anxiety that could set off the splits and depression.

I would stay at jobs for about three years and then get the urge to change. Impulsive decisions are part of this dis-ease,

When a form of psychotherapy started, the leader asked me what I was feeling. I slowly put names to feelings: anger, rage, sad, defensive, depressed, reactive, lost, split, and others. The negative feelings

were identified first.

It took another therapist to give me the names of other feelings: beautiful, delightful, endearing, peaceful, glad, happy, to mention a few. Each experience of a feeling, felt, came with her story telling.

Her relationship with her husband, her children, her parents, her grandchildren, and interests became fodder for the stories. The telling was like a romp: playfully guiding me through lots of experiences and feelings. I not only could name the feeling and attach them to situations, I could open up to a larger range of sensation. It became more fun to be happy than depressed. I liked being on the positive side of the rainbow. I knew her for about 5 years and would see her periodically for another 3 years.

The next therapist had a strong center, very calm at her core. This experience gave me an anchor that has stayed steady since I left her some six years ago.

Over time the psychotherapy allowed me to find a fairly steady self working with mature attractive female doctors. I was lucky to them help me to firmer ground.

While with the last doctor, I was able to attend a BPD sessions at McLean Hospital. This process made me aware of the way BPD worked as a system. I learned the range of emotions trying to stay in the middle of the scale. The other characteristics such as difficulty handling money, impulsiveness, depression and anxiety. The sexual side effects stemming from early childhood trauma, helped put more pieces of the puzzle together. I felt the McLean experience helped with viewing myself from the outside to be able to take care of myself. It moved me to independence and self reliance. It is difficult to be self reliant when you are not aware of what to be cautious about. If you do not know what doors to swing open, it is difficult to not pass through these doors with surprising results.

What does this mean for the BPD population? I was able to be a successful teacher, Realtor, businesswoman for many years. I have had long periods of happiness and relative calm. In general, I am enjoyable, fun, caring, empathetic, curious, and ethical. With a wonderful sense of humor and a hopefulness that does not give up, I traverse the waves of BPD relatively intact.

I urge those with a new diagnosis to seek out the newer therapies. I challenge you to read the material and make your decisions about what applies to your self. Not all characteristics of the studies apply to all of us. There are degrees of severity. We are not identical. What a surprise?

It is easy to let others define us. We need to participate in the reporting of the disorder. Others study us but we experience the dis-ease from the other side, the inside.

We are humans who live life very keenly. Very intelligent, we can add a lot to the richness of other people lives and in the end, to our lives. We have a lot to say. It's time we find the words to describe ourselves. Let the conversation deepen.

Janet Kirkpatrick
Janet_Kirkpatrick@msn.com

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