Borderline Personality Disorder is not the dead end diagnosis that I thought it was when I first read about the characteristics. You have to understand the symptoms of the disease enough to be able to understand what is occurring in your situation. When you can learn the behaviors and what prompts them, then you can read and understand some of the ways to modify the reactions you have that are distorted. You can learn enough of the particulars as they occurred in your own life to get the pattern of your defenses that formed out of real fear and attack. However, the attack is over. We can disarm. We can learn to act with impulsive reaction. We can bust out of the Borderline Personality Disorder to firm ground as a Bordered Ordered Personality.
BPD has many characteristics. You can Google the disorder to get your list. Not everyone has all the characteristics or the level of intensity of reactions. I was never a cutter but I want to sabatoge my chances for success in my career and relationships. So, if something goes too well, I might change course or drop that career and find a new one. That way if life is becoming good, I don't let myself feel it for long. I take it away and start the struggle to safety over again. There are other ways to do the same thing as cutting without it being the physical act of cutting. Cutting is used to reduce the feeling of hurt or feeling of deep pain. This pain stems from original traumas such as rejection from a parent (s) or siblings which turned into self-hate. If others did not love you or accept you, it is easy to turn that self image inward into a feeling that you do not love yourself. You are not loveable. In my case, it goes from mother who does not love me, to I am not loveable. I do not like myself. I do not accept myself. I will recreate this abuse again, by defeating myself when things are looking up. With self knowledge you can interrupt the chain of reactions and decide other actions to claim your new successes, one at a time.
When I was young, my mother and my brothers took things away from me as part of the torture. You take lessons to play the piano, the my mother was jeolous of my skill and gave away the piano. I remember the day it went out the window, a great upright. Out the window it went on the second floor, twirling on the rope suspended out the bedroom window.
Feeling bad or feeling pain, or feeling sad can be addictive. You can feel it so much that that is the place you go when you are alone. You get so you want to feel the pain. Feeling bad is a form of addiction. When you learn feelings such as beautiful, the pain is no longer your first choice. When you experience and name other experiences such as beautiful, or happy, you can begin to reside more with those positive feelings than the negative ones.
Life is not so much what happens to us and how we choose to react to what happens (ed) to us. We can react one way for a long time and change the way we react with knowledge, example, and therapy.
What if you think that something was wrong with you that your mother did not love you, then you learn that she was a type of person, through no fault of her own who used other people to meet her own needs; she was incapable of meeting your needs if they were not bye the way to help her meet her own needs. Narcissitic is one way of looking at the situation. What if my mother did not have a choice, in her reaction to you, but treated you because of deep deprivation she suffered when a child. In my case my mother was sent to live with her grandmother at 5 and felt abandoned.
It was during the Great Depression. Her parents who had five children, needed to send someone out to allow the others to thrive. I am not sure anyone explained to my mother why she had to live with my grandmother for that time. My mother did not get enough of what she needed. She was incapable of giving any of her children the nurturing that they required. She lived at a time when everyone had 3 children, so she had 3 children and ruined all of them emotionally.
Borderline personality disorder is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, such as dysfunctional families. Once the patterns are made conscious, the BPD person can gain self control of their feeling about themselves and their future reactions to situations. We can choose not to hurt ourselves as other have hurt us. We can recognize that the ones who hurt us were "sick" and we do not have to act sick in order fend off the anticipated punishment that we took when we were young. We have choices to be happy and productive.
BPD happens with people who are intelligent, sensitive, and creative. We used our defenses to stave off the punishment, and now we can come out hiding. The battle can be won, one day at a time. The post traumatic stress is a natural consequence of these unreal family abuse contexts. It is now safe. We can hold onto each other, tell our stories, and climb out into the light.
We are not defective but were surrounded by family who were incomplete, anxious, and violent. We have to put the responsibility for what occurred where it belongs with the perpetrators of the abuse. We have to talk now so that the guilt and shame can dissipate. It was never our fault. We were not the guilty ones. It was never fair or just. It's time for the injustice to end.
We were part of an environment, a family, a point in history that added together with our selves set the stage for the development of this Borderline Personality Disorder. The BPD is a logical reaction to a disordered family situation. It was an intelligent way to protect my fragile self from being totally destroyed by the people who were suppose to love and protect me. You and I survived in spite of this unnamed assault. Now you can claim your life with all its freedoms and range of actions. Like other traumas, you need to find someone who can understand the disorder enough to lead you through your trauma and out to the other side.
You do not have to face it all but enough to forgive yourself and understand that it was never your fault. We are all children of God and made in His Likeness.
The characteristics of BPD are ways for us to stay hidden against real or feared assault similar to the original framework. To get out of the mindset, we have to feel safe, unafraid, and able to sample other emotional reactions to claim our new energy. Life is meant to be much more than we imagined.
I feel I am always trying to get to a safe place.
I am trying to find a place where I can have something and it is not taken away from me as a form of torture. I want a place where I allow myself to find pleasure and reward. I want to be able to defend myself against real assault in appropriate ways. I want to be able to be competent in the real world, not just the inner world that reflects the images of past traumas.
I want to speak about what happened. I want to claim my power in this life.
Janet Kirkpatrick
Janet_Kirkpatrick@msn.com
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