What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

About 36 years ago, I had a classmate in pre-med whose mood could swing from friendliness to extreme outbursts of anger over trifle issues within a matter of hours. We labeled him queer and always dealt with him with caution. In our fifth year in the medical school, during our Psychiatry posting, while treating the topic of Bipolar diseases, we believed his problem must be Manic-Depressive Psychosis. With the benefit of what I know now, I believe he probably had Borderline Personality Disorder.

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental disorders [DSM-IV] lists Borderline Personality Disorder as a psychiatric diagnosis and defines it as a prolonged disturbance of personality function. Adolph Stern used the term in 1938 to describe it because it lies on the borderline between neurosis and psychosis.

It is a serious disorder of the mind that causes affected persons to nurse a paralyzing fear of being abandoned by a loved one. The affected person manifests a siege mentality that makes him/her exhibit a bewildering range of emotions from idealizations like great admiration and love to devaluation such as intense anger and dislike within a short span of time. Such a person exhibits outbursts of rage that lead to verbal and physical abuse against others. They read meaning into little matters and personalize issues becoming so extremely sensitive that they cannot sustain family relationships or workplace relationships. Borderline Personality Disorder is basically a disorder of emotion control. A woman suffering from this condition could make life unbearable for the husband for coming late from work for any reason because she believes he must be having an affair.

The instability of mood in Borderline Personality Disorder results in unstable behaviour, poor self-image and a distorted identity, all of which lead to social isolation. The level of frustration can be so high that it leads to self-injury of all sorts, attempted suicides and successful suicides in some cases. The extreme feeling of insecurity makes them want love and pushes them in to sexual promiscuity and substance abuse. Divorce rate is high for the few who get married and did not seek professional help because of their chronic inability to manage their emotions.

In the United States, about 2% of adults mostly females [75%] suffer from it and it is responsible for 20% of hospital psychiatric admissions. The causes of Borderline Personality Disorder like many other ailments have been attributed to environmental and genetic factors. However predisposing factors are a history of separation from significant persons early in life, history of physical and emotional abuse, 40 to 71% report a history of sexual abuse by a non-care giver. Recent research findings have linked Borderline Personality Disorder to impaired regulation of the neural circuits that modulate emotions. Amygdala, a part of the brain is part of this neural circuit. Onset of the illness may be at adolescence or young adulthood. Triggers for precipitating this disorder include traumatic events like violence of all sorts, rape, alcoholism and substance abuse.

The outlook for this condition is good because it is amenable to proper mental health care and persons suffering from it can lead productive normal lives with appropriate care. Symptoms may persist for years, but majority of symptoms decrease in severity over the years with some persons recovering fully from it. Therapy ranges from individual and group psychotherapy to Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, a new psychosocial therapy developed specifically for Borderline Personality Disorder. Antidepressants and mood stabilizers are effective as symptomatic treatments for sufferers of this condition.

This article was written by Dr Francis Edo Olotu, Physician, Family Counselor, Author, Conference Speaker and host of the Blog Empowering Dads.

Email address: empoweringdads@gmail.com.

Visit his blog http://www.empoweringdads.wordpress.com for a rich diversity of articles on family and health issues.

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May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month

Awareness of this condition is much needed.  What disorder is more misunderstood and maligned than this? Many myths and misconceptions exist that further serve to stigmatize those with this diagnosis (or even those who are mistakenly given this diagnosis).

I understand Borderline Personality Disorder( BPD) as a complex trauma disorder.  I see attachment gone awry as well as emotional,  physical, and/or sexual abuse as causative factors.  I have written previously about how childhood trauma impacts the development of basic skills like self-soothing and emotion management.  I believe many of the behaviors associated with BPD, such as self-injury, can be understood as stemming from these deficits.  Simply put, people with BPD are doing the best they can given what little they have received in childhood.  I have worked with many clients who have actually talked about using self-injury as a way to take care of themselves; a way to manage unbearable emotions or even a means to  prevent attempting suicide.

I am well aware that not everyone share my perspective, and that even some mental health professionals and therapists have negative reactions to BPD.

Why is this disorder so misunderstood? Is it just another example of how our society maintains such deep denial regarding the long- term and serious impact of childhood abuse and neglect? Is it a form of victim blaming?

What are your reactions to BPD? Have you ever received this diagnosis? If so, how did you feel? What reactions and misconceptions are you aware of from others? For more information and ideas on raising awareness of BPD, check out the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Dr. Young is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience. She has been in private practice in Chicago, Illinois since 1992. Her career focus has been on treating trauma and its aftermath.

She is also an EMDR trained therapist and has completed the Illinois 40-hour Domestic Violence Training. Dr. Young received her doctorate in clinical psychology (Psy.D.) from the Illinois School of Professional Psychology in 1990. For more information: http://www.drkathleenyoung.com

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Borderline Personality Disorder - A Closer Look

About one to three percent of the American adult population is currently diagnosed with this condition. Borderline personality disorder denotes a disruption in normal personality function that is manifested through character and mood instability. People with this disorder often have a distorted self-image and an undefined identity. Usually, they engage in unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships and exhibit potentially damaging behaviors. By definition, some may find familiarization with the experience related to BPD . But this should not raise alarm. For one, you may not have the condition at all. It might just be that your unfortunate life mirrors the experiences of a person with the disorder. Nevertheless, BPD is not something to be fearful of. Borderline personality disorder is curable with a series of psychotherapy and prescribed medications.

The onset of borderline personality disorder symptoms typically occur during the period of adolescence. This is when volatile and disorderly conduct becomes predominant. It may continue on for many years but it naturally subsides over time. To ensure accuracy, the diagnosis and treatment of personality disorder is often delayed until the period of maturity. Doctors find it necessary to discount the influence of personality development on behavior problems before jumping to any conclusion. Early diagnosis of BPD is only possible provided the patient is in dire need of help and the symptoms are present and persistent over a period of one year. With the following observable characteristics, a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is made.

* alterations in self perception ("I'm good" vs. "I'm bad, homosexual vs heterosexual)

* shifts in life goals

* frequent changes in job profile

* impermanent social affiliations

* erratic romantic relationships (love-hate)

* difficulty in accepting exemptions or "gray-areas"

* emotional liability and inappropriate hostility

* short but intense periods of depression or anxiety

* impulsive and risky behavior as well as suicidal idealization

Borderline personality disorder is a very sensitive and complex condition. It may spawn from a history of trauma, as in sexual abuse, or be caused by genetic, neurobiological, anatomical and environmental factors. Hormonal abnormalities, particularly that of serotonin (which is also related to depression), may also be credited for the development of BPD. Other disorders associated with borderline personality disorder are mood disorders, depression and substance abuse.

This particular disorder was once featured in the 1999 film "Girl Interrupted". The motion picture provided important insight to the thoughts and struggles of a person with a borderline personality disorder, and gave a clear picture of the treatment facility atmosphere in which she was bound to settle. The film, which was based on an autobiography, revealed BPD as not only a mental but a social disease. The negative stigma of its diagnosis has not only punished troubled parties but their families as well. It must be made clear that BPD is not an infectious disease. Therefore, communities should make every effort not to socially ostracize people with the condition. In fact, a greater awareness and understanding of the borderline personality disorder should be promoted to foster a safer, more healing environment for those afflicted.

To learn more about borderline personality disorder, or helping loved ones with their borderline personality disorder treatment, visit our site and download our e-book.

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Sex and Borderline Personality Disorder

It seems to be a common theme with those suffering from borderline personality disorder that whether in a monogamous relationship are not the person with BPD often finds themselves either having reckless sex with multiple partners or attempting to have numerous sexual relationships.

In this article we will quickly explore sex and bpd. One of the common theories as to why people with BPD have such reckless sex lives is the fact that they constantly feel emotional emptiness. Even when they find a stable emotional relationship their fear of abandonment causes them to become paranoid about the stability of their relationship and the validity of the love coming from their partner. A possibility for the reasoning behind sex and borderline personality disorder is that the sufferer of BPD actually tries to self sabotage their relationship in order to end the relationship before they are actually abandoned by their partner.

Another theory as to reckless sex and borderline personality disorder is that the BPD sufferer actually gets an emotional high from bonding with the sexual partner even if only for a short time. They are literally trying to fill in emptiness inside themselves and they try and try to fill that void with sex. After having a sexual affair the person with borderline personality disorder may not have the same amount of guilt as someone with non-BPD. The reason is projection, oftentimes people with borderline personality disorder project their negative behaviors onto others including their partners. This means that someone with this illness who is having a reckless sexual affair may have a tendency to build a fake affair that their spouse or loved one is having in their head. They literally make themselves believe that their partner is also cheating and that they are therefore justified in having their reckless sexual affair.

There are many reasons that can lead to sex and this illness, if you think you have borderline personality disorder yourself you should seek professional counseling. If your partner currently has borderline personality disorder and you fear they have reckless sexual behavior you should let your feelings be known in either work with the person on helping them get therapy and receive treatment or decide if the relationship cannot go on. Having borderline personality disorder partner is having a reckless extramarital sexual affair is not only a risk for your health but your emotional well-being. People with bpd have a keen ability to cover up their affairs and make you feel that you are the crazy one for accusing them of doing something behind your back.

Before you get caught up in trying to prove whether or not your spouse with bpd is having extramarital sexual affairs you probably want to focus on the fact that they have borderline personality disorder and make a decision on whether or not to support them in treatment or end the relationship you are currently in. If you are being abused by your spouse in any way regardless of the fact that they have BPD you need to place your safety above everything else. No mental illness is an excuse for physical or emotional abuse. If you are currently looking for a therapist that specializes in borderline personality disorder make sure that you bet their credentials and that they understand BPD as many therapists have a difficult time diagnosing BPD in finding suitable treatments.

For more information on Sex and Borderline Personality Disorder please visit http://www.bpdsecrets.com.

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Borderline Personality Disorder - An Alternative View

Borderline Personality Disorder sounds pretty final and grim. But that is if you view it from a psychology angle.

From a holistic energy healing angle, it all sounds much different. As an alternative holistic energy healer and EFT practitioner, I see this as merely an energy imbalance made up of rejection.

The rejection may be due to a bad childhood due to bad parenting or problems at school (sometimes also problems from sessions with psychologists). This changes the person's energy to attract rejection and so is often followed by a series of rejection events in adulthood. As an adult, this may manifest as self-destructive behavior (including co-dependency), addictions, or depression.

Depression and self-hatred because of a harrowing childhood with unfit or abusive parents is definitely treatable with EFT. Inner child work like Matrix Reimprinting, Parts work, and allowing time for healing all help. It took a whole childhood for this energy imbalance to be so debilitating. It makes perfect sense that a few months or years may be needed to put it right - maybe for the first time ever. I use Chasing the Pain, the Box Technique, and other refinements to make this as gentle a process as possible. A fine balance has to be made between the desired speed of progress and the need for gentleness and delicacy when handling such highly-charged material.

I have often mixed the above work with Reiki or a gentle hypnotic relaxation for maximizing gentleness.

For self-hatred, I use a visual diagram, where we draw the person and I say "OK, which parts of you do you hate the most?" and also ask for which parts they hate the least. Then we tap about the different parts of the diagram. By the end of the session, we could have raised self-love or self-worth by as much as 1%; this is great progress to start with. Eventually, the percentages grow faster. I also use my own technique, Mountains of Self-Worth. This is another visual diagram that we draw; this time we draw it to see how we compare ourselves with others. Then we tap, using normal EFT statements along with reframes to improve how we compare ourselves to others.

Lack of confidence and self-depreciation connected to a neurodiversity is even more easily treatable with EFT, as long as the person can be happy to connect with that sensitive person within. The person with ADHD, autism, or other neurodiverse condition does not even have to have a label to it. After all, it is just a sensitivity overall, including a sensitive nervous system. The owner of such a nervous system would have many incidents in childhood and adulthood where they were misunderstood, rejected by their peers, or did not fit in. Each incident is easily tappable with EFT. When enough incidents have been tapped, the effect will generalize over all of them, and the person's energy will change. Reframes help tremendously here, such as "I thought I was stupid/unsociable/unwanted, but the teacher/other kids just didn't speak my language, and nobody taught me how to speak theirs."

And addictive behavior is best treated by going through events involving this behavior. The first step is to recognize that the behavior is part of an addiction. The sooner the emotional blocks in the path to admitting that a problem exists, the sooner the person can start working on this behavior and find freedom from its confines.

The energy of rejection is only energy. We can release it. And although it can manifest in a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, it still is only an energy disruption. Tapping balances the body's energy system, and with regular application of gentle EFT, we can move towards happiness, self-worth, and most of all peace.

c Suzanne Zacharia 2010. My name is Suzanne Zacharia and I am committed to spreading the word about health options. I believe that the more and better options one has, the more choice there is.

A virus caught along with 5 other students at university at the end of 1986, plus medical negligence, meant that I got smokers lung at a relatively young age. In desperation for help with my symptoms and quality of life, I turned to complementary therapy, and I have outlived one doctor's prognosis by many years already.

I am now a complementary therapist, author and trainer specializing in energy healing. Want to use this article? You can, as long as you credit me with it and invite your readers to get my FREE "EFT How-to for You" and regular free EFT Tapping script samples in my newsletter at http://www.EFT-Scripts.com - New to EFT? No worries, just get your own copy of "EFT How-to for You" and start EFTing with ease very soon!

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Borderline Personality Disorder - Beyond Managing the Symptoms - Having a Great Life!

Long gone are the dark days of suffering in isolation from the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Many of us have worked hard through recovery and are now leading productive, happy lives with meaningful relationships. We have careers we love, a strong sense of self, and stable emotional regulation. Even though Borderline Personality Disorder is a relatively new diagnosis, with even newer treatment options, those of us who have accepted our ailment and worked hard at recovery are now beyond just managing the symptoms-we are living wonderful lives.

Remember those days not long ago when a diagnosis of cancer meant certain death? We no longer think in those terms for cancer. Today, most cancer patients successfully undergo treatment and get on with life. The same is becoming true about Borderline Personality Disorder. Though once considered a virtual death sentence, a diagnosis today can lead to entering into effective treatment and getting on with living a meaningful life.

We are finding that our recovery is worked in steps:

1. Accepting diagnosis, getting educated and finding treatment.

2. Getting symptoms under control and going into remission.

3. Building relationships, finding meaningful work, knowing and believing in self.

As you may imagine, step three is where the real fun begins, but eventually we all learn to embrace everything about our lives, even the hard parts of the past. But many of us can recall driving a stake in the ground and saying, "this is where it all changes!" the day we figured out what exactly was wrong with us--the day we accepted our diagnosis.

If you are in step two and beginning to get your symptoms under control, there are some things you can begin doing now to lead into step three.

Start getting involved with people, some-where, some how, even if it is only through the mental health community, such as support groups for those with mental illness. You may also find people in church groups or college courses. Take a self-inventory of what you really love and join a club or group of like-minded individuals. This could be anything from a singing to a dog-loving group. People everywhere are trying to find other people to befriend.

If you have been in isolation for an extended period of time, it may seem awkward to be around people at first. You may not know what to do. Here's a tip for you: wherever you go, just serve. Just go to help. Notice other's needs and contribute where you can. This takes the pressure off of you and will really help build your confidence. The old adage, "if you want a friend, be a friend" really does hold true. Just go serve. That's all.

To find meaningful work that makes you feel good about yourself, begin by building on serving in a more organized way. For example, once you've gone to that certain club or group for a little while, volunteer to make the coffee or put up the chairs each time. Start very small and build. Over time, your resilience and confidence will grow and you will be able to do more.

You have been through so much. Be patient with yourself. And know that all you've been through can be used for many good things. Your innate sensitivity will begin to serve you well.

And remember, charity does indeed begin at home. No matter how ill you are when you begin your recovery, you can begin by doing small things for the people you live with. Start today by doing something small for some-one near, without them even knowing it. And don't forget to smile!

Tami Green

To see how I overcame this disorder, including treatment options, visit my website at: http://www.borderlinepersonalitysupport.com

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9 Guidelines For Working With Children With Borderline Personality Disorder

Working with or having children with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be extremely disconcerting, especially when you don't have any at the ready guidelines to implement. Hopefully, this article will provide you with some easy to implement guidelines for working with these needy children.

Children with Borderline Personality Disorder often feel confused, particularly about goals, sexual identity and direction in life. They dislike being alone yet often have trouble maintaining relationships due to their unpredictable and often changing behavior. Children with BPD can be extremely difficult to work with. They may love you one minute and hate you the next. You may feel manipulated by them.

Some guidelines for working with children with Borderline personality Disorder are:

1. Expect sudden and intense changes in mood. A child with BPD is at high risk for self-injury or becoming enraged at others.

2. Be supportive but not overprotective. Children need to be responsible for their behavior.

3. Avoid Overacting. Although the child's behaviors can be upsetting, try to stay calm. Remember these are signs of illness. Don't blame the person.

4. Make contracts with the child, e.g. Set limits to prevent self-destructive behaviors.

5. Agree in advance on the consequences for breaking a rule.

6. Be consistent. At time you may feel guilty or believe you should be doing more. However, try to follow through with your agreements. When you avoid giving in to "borderline" children they learn what to expect from you.

7. Praise the child's progress.

8. Avoid criticism.

9. Don't dwell on minor setbacks. They will happen.

Always be consistent and quick to employ the three miracle workers: tenderness, love and compassion.

Idriys "Luke" Muhammad is a mobile therapist by day, delivering quality mental health services to children, youth, families and couples in their homes and in the community. Idriys has worked in the human/social services arena since 1989. He holds a masters in social science. Click this link to learn more about how to Empower Parents; Help Children. It's an investment that never ceases to return.

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Does Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder Mean Recovering Lost Relationships?

I am asked often, as a Life Coach by loved ones of those with BPD as they grapple with leaving or going no contact, "What if I end the relationship and then he or she gets help and becomes this wonderful person?"

This question can often keep those on the other side of BPD stuck in toxic unhealthy and/or abusive situations that erode their own sense of self. I address this what-if and what it means for non borderlines in several of my audio programs.

Perhaps both those who have BPD and those who love or care about them, both need to learn that people sometimes come into our lives to teach us things and that there is no reason beyond the lessons the painful lessons to remain connected or to be dancing the dance of a toxic relating that is often enmeshed and codependent relating on the part of both the borderline and the non-borderline.

A person with BPD wrote to me and asked:

"I was just wondering if, when you got cured of BPD, or at least were well on the way to recovery, whether you were able to heal any of the relationships that you had lost because of BPD issues? I have so many of those relationships, people that I miss and wish were back in my life. And if you did, I'd be interested in knowing how you went about doing that. Thanks a lot."

Let me begin by saying that I am sure that there is no rule about this. I am sure that some people may be able to go back, and or want to go back to past relationships and try again, whether those relationships are with family, friends, or past love interests. This has not been my experience, nor is it a desire of mine anymore.

There was a time, when I would have answered this question differently than I will today. Not only did I have to recover from BPD to understand what I am about to share but I needed a few more years of just living fully-aware of myself and in relationship to myself and in healthier relationships with others to know what my answer to this question is. My answer is, no.

I could only heal myself. I could not heal a relationship with anyone who either didn't want to heal it or couldn't heal anything because they still need to heal themselves. There is also the reality that even after I recovered from BPD, in 1995, it didn't change or take back the damage done and the pain caused and the heartache that I put others through. Sometimes there is just too much damage and pain to overcome.

Of course I share this answer after having tried in a couple of places to re-establish relationship to a family member (who still has BPD) and a friendship with an my first ex-lover. In the case of the family member, my mother, it became painfully obvious to me that she and I had not had a relationship (certainly not one with any health in it) in my entire life. Okay, well, there I was healed, better, etc, so I thought well, I could try. In my trying it became apparent to me that the reasons why we had never had a relationship had much more to do with her than I.

I had changed tons. My mother has not changed much at all. She still has very active BPD. What that meant was that there still wasn't any common ground from which to work. Each and every relationship, in adulthood, takes two active willing participants and if it is to be relatively healthy it requires mutuality, reciprocity, respect, and boundaries.

From my recovery from BPD, one of the greatest gifts has been to come to understand that with most relationships, like childhood neighbourhoods, you really can't go back. If you do go back, so much has changed. Life has a way of moving on without you and trying to go back when so much has changed, not the least of which is me and how I relate to others hasn't worked out for me. I have found too that since I have changed so much, grown so much and have boundaries and a healthy relational style now that truthfully there isn't a relationship from my past that it would serve me well to try to go back to. I have said my share of "I'm sorry's" to those that I have hurt. I have written some letters too. But that's about taking personal responsibility and was done without any desire or expectation to reconnect. I did not communicate to anyone who had set a firm boundary with me of not wanting to hear from me again.

I am a different person now. I have different wants and needs. Many of the people that I knew when I had BPD were also not well in their own ways. I have found it best, for me, in my life, to move on and to continue to meet and get to know healthier people.

I did reach back one more time with an ex-lover of mine. I had hurt this person a lot and I did feel very sorry about that. I wanted her to know that. I tried to relate to her in the present as the person that I am today. She was not in a place with her own issues that she could really appreciate this or meet me half way. She was still more in the past with who I was and her own issues. I have also since realized that my wanting to reach back to say I was sorry was very valuable. My wanting to reach back to validate her pain and experience was very valuable.

Even though I sat and listened to her absent any judgment or defense of myself, I would later realize that my reaching back was not as much for her as I thought it was - it was more for me. And what was it that I so wanted? I had no clue.

Only in retrospect do I know what it was I was seeking. I thought I needed her forgiveness. I wanted her forgiveness. It was not really something that she could give. What this experience taught me was that it was I who really needed to forgive myself. I have since worked on that and been able to forgive myself for those years in my life and for the behavior, abuse, and pain that I caused both her and myself. Having forgiven myself I feel absolutely no desire or need to have her be a part of my life anymore.

Moving On

To me, my recovery was about grieving, remembering, letting go, and moving on. Things happen in life for reasons that we can't always understand. The time that we spend with someone, or the time that our lives intersect is not dictated by whether or not we are ready to do the best with the time that we can. Sometimes we aren't. Sometimes we can't.

The challenge here is to be able to accept that. To know that loss is a normal part of life. To then be willing to move on and let those people go is the difference between mental health and a lack of it. Know that any regrets you have over past relationships are valid but that you do not need to reconnect with any person to work those issues out and to do better with others from here on out.

I am sure there are cases of people who go back to friends or family and perhaps are able to work things out as they get healthier. But this can only be done when the people that you go back to are also healthy. In my life, the people that I knew were not healthy. Simply put, most people that hung around with me or that would continue to be in my life in my worst borderline years, were not healthy. The healthy ones walked away to take care of themselves. I have never had any desire to reconnect with those who walked away from me. I understand why they walked away. I applaud (and respect) them for taking care of themselves. Their walking away, over time, taught me so much about what I needed to change in myself if I wanted to have consistent relationships in my life.

The loss, rejection, and abandonment, that it felt like to me, at the time, when I had BPD and others left my life, were seeds planted that would teach me lessons that were central to my recovery. I have nothing to prove to them or to anyone else about my mental health now. I have moved on. I know different people. The people that are in my life now would not have given me the time of day when I was borderline.

From my experience I believe it is best to let go and move on. I cannot undo the past. I cannot take back the damage I did to anyone when I was borderline. Just as I my parents (both had BPD) can't take back what they did and didn't do when I was a child. I have to live with that grief. I have to live with the knowledge of the damage that was done to me and then the damage that I caused in the replaying out of the damage that was done to me - damage that I had to take responsibility for in recovery - responsibility for resolving and healing which meant letting go of blaming those who had hurt me. This was the only way to transcend the victim mentality that I had when I had BPD. It was the way that I found my way through it all to mental health. I am grateful for that. That has to be and that is enough.

I believe I lost the right to know the people that I hurt, lied to, manipulated, used and treated (often) so coldly. I am okay with that now - not that there was anything okay about how I was when I had BPD, but truly, what I did, how I acted, who I was, was, in fact, all I knew. Not an excuse. Just an explanation.

As part of taking responsibility for my actions and my life I accept the losses that I have incurred and I let them continue to serve as a lesson so that I never again repeat those dynamics with anyone in my life now.

As you recover from BPD you will (if you don't already) come to know the pain of remorse and regret. Make sure you enter therapy and seek help, not to save a relationship, or friendship, or for any external reason but that you get help for yourself, so that you can change your life and move forward. It is deep and profound. You will also, as I have, come to know how to deal with it. I cannot say that everyone should do as I have done, but I can say that I have made the choices that I have made because in taking responsibility for my past I know that it would not serve anyone I knew or myself to re-engage any relationship that was attempted and failed with good reason. It is those failure and hurts that we must learn from. We then take that knowledge into future friendships and relationships and we do better. I know I have. "When we know better, we do better", as Maya Angelou says.

What I needed to do was to heal myself. I have done that. I continue to grow and to learn. Past relationships are in the past. I cannot heal what has happened in the past. I can only unburden myself of it as others unburdened themselves of me and my chaos when I was borderline.

It was the nature of my wounded inner child to want to repair and or fix past relationships always in the quest for the mommy or daddy I needed but never had. It was like banging on my head on a wall. It felt so good when I stopped it. It felt so good when I learned to just grieve and let go of what wasn't a part of my past. Many of the people I knew in my past were people that I tried to live through because I didn't know who I was. They were people who I thought I needed to make me safe. Now, and since recovering from BPD I realize that they were people who I used and did not respect because they were seen and experienced more as my parents by me than they were seen and experienced for the people that they actually were. The damage that does needs to be respected and left alone. My integrity, now, would not allow me to re-engage these people at all.

Make amends wherever you can if you are so inclined, as long as someone has not requested that you never contact them again, for any reason, but don't have any expectations as you do so. Look ahead. Don't look back.

Does Recovery Mean Recovering Lost Relationships? In my experience, no. Recovery means that I now have the tools and mental health with which to build new relationships. Recovery means that I no longer need the past, the relationships from the past or the people to whom I tried so miserably to relate to in the past. Recovering truly means putting the baggage down and recreating yourself and beginning anew.

Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder means that I had a new-found respect for the boundaries of others as well as having boundaries of my own to respect and that I want others to respect.

The people who had to leave my life to take care of themselves created boundaries that I would not cross to try to mitigate my own remorse or regret. What I learned in my recovery was that I only had control over what I could change in myself. I only had control over forgiving those who had hurt me in my childhood and forgiving myself.

There wasn't to be any redemption for me in the eyes of so many that I hurt in my borderline past. After I had recovered, in 1995, I didn't want to be living in any part of my past. I wanted and needed to move forward and to continue to grow and evolve and make up for a lot of lost time.

Recovering from BPD is about finding yourself, learning to soothe yourself, taking responsibility for yourself. It's about emotionally growing up what has been past arrested emotional development. Recovery has at the center of its unfolding process learning that what is past, is past, and that what is done is done, and finding the Grace to radically accept that and move on. It is in the moving on and solidifying of my recovery that the letting go was not only possible but necessary and helped me to continue to mature and continue to be healthier and healthier. 15 years later, this has only been strengthened and the regrets of my past have been grieved, and let go of, set aside, left in the past and are not an active part of my life anymore.

A.J. Mahari is a Life Coach, BPD/Mental Health and Self-Improvement Coach and is the author of 20+ Ebooks and Author/Narrator of 35+ Audio Programs that can be found at http://phoenixrisingpublications.ca and also has over 10 websites online on a wide variety of topics with many blogs, podcasts, and videos available free that you can find linked at http://ajmahari.com

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Borderline Personality Disorder - A Day in a Life of Treading Water

Introduction

My case-study client is a 23-year old Canadian Caucasian woman who has been diagnosed as suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, and is under the care of a psychiatrist for medication (Effexor and Loxapine) and talking therapy. Before this she was diagnosed with depression since 8 years of age, and suspects sexual abuse when 2-3 years old.

When asking her to examine her problems of pain and suffering, she decided to tell her story in the form of recounting a day in her life. I then asked her two specific questions directly: Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People? And Where is God when You need Him?.

A Day in My Life

Over the last 10 days, I have been feeling suicidal ideation and extreme depression. I have cut. I wake up from nightmares with imagery around animals e.g. bugs; snakes and rats infested my space. Snakes chase me in a garden and rats in my room but none on me. There is environmental hostility - I dream of the wrong road to my Grandmother's cottage and me climbing a cliff over gravel. So I wake up having worked very hard. When awake, I have anxiety about the day. This may be carried forward from my nightmare - I feel unsafe. I then have immediate thoughts that my boss may be angry or that it is slippery outside.

Last night I was crying as I feel asleep. I felt lonely, empty, a lack of light in my being, especially when with my partner or family or people I love, because the feeling for them has gone. I can still sense their love for me but I feel guilty because I can't reciprocate. All the love I have for people has shut down. When it is a good day i.e. a feeling day, I feel loving towards them. I feel awake. My thoughts carry forward to my dreams and to the next day. "It is kind of like hell; feels like worst thing ever". Worse than missing someone when they die - then I felt grieving but my heart felt full with love although sad. Missing my Grandfather in death was less painful than being depressed around him when he was alive. I was not depressed when he died.

Usually I spend 1 hour lying in bed thinking of the pros and cons of getting out of bed: Will I be disappointing people? How can I be distracted? Do I have sugary cereal? I want to self-sooth or distract. Today - why was I out of bed immediately? Because I found an ice-cream bar to jolt or distract me - the adrenalin release made me so jittery but I had the energy to get dressed. I had a smoke and a coffee. It is tough - only hit 9:30 am by now - so much of the day to go. Then go to work or appointment. On the subway I listen to upbeat music - like funk or pop. This helps to distract me. When very depressed it takes me to neutrality - if it works. If the first song doesn't work, I spend time skipping songs until I find one that does. Then I listen to the same song 3-4 times in a row. The first 2 hours of the day when I interact with co-workers or customers is the best because the focus has shifted onto communicating.

When I wake I am sad if I spent 2 hours with my partner. I try to get away by sleeping in or staying in the bathroom a long time. Generally if I am alone and I wake with lots of energy from coffee or something sweet, I try to pretend I'm in a movie and I imagine my life as a movie with different scenarios or a person e.g. from the movie "Working Girl", watching someone getting dressed to music. It helps in transit while listening to music: "Makes me feel free of limitations I woke up with, because I can create other limitations for that character that I'm not afraid of". Lowers my fear. Has worked for a long time.

Around 3 pm I feel a slump where I feel depressed. Haven't eaten for a few hours. Think about food. Have a lot of judgment of myself around food because what I can afford is not always healthy. So judgmental about my body - I'm not feminine enough, delicate enough, and thin enough. Pressure came from parents and grandparents e.g. Mom happy when I wear feminine or delicate and she gladly tells her friends - causes me pressure. Pressure from one of my Mom's friends. In high school she stayed with us and so judgmental about my dress, my makeup, girls I like, and that my Mom is overweight. She was obsessive and totally phony.

So it depends on whom I've seen or talked when I get hungry. Mom is on a diet and lost a lot - I must do the same because I'm overweight. I argue with myself for 45 minutes about what I will eat - having energy and feeling full vs. feeling I won't gain weight. Sometimes I eat or I don't eat and have diet coke and smokes. After I eat I feel guilty and anxious for having eaten so I phone people to say "HI" and plan for after work to include drinking and to get drunk later. It helps.

From 4-7 pm is pretty difficult so I want to go to sleep but if I have plans then I meet friends and I drink with them as soon as possible. If I feel good after that, I stay out and continue to drink. "Having two beers is like a litmus test". If not better after two beers, then I go home to sleep because at the bar I am around someone I love and feel so bad. I want to cry; often I do cry in front of them or on the subway. There is pain in my solar plexus and sternum from 4-7 pm, but I cannot cry at work. I make plans to get rid of the pain. I go to bed as soon as possible, and sometimes I'll call Mum if I can't sleep, and then I sleep. Mum helps because she gives me hope for the next day. Maybe she will take care of me and I won't feel so bad. "It's a gamble". If I'm generally depressed it doesn't work, but nice to look forward to. Often I cancel plans I've made the day before. Weekends it's different not necessarily better.

My psychiatrist gave me homework piece reflections. I feel that when people express feelings or enthusiasm, it is received by me as pressure - I feel hopeless and depressed and angry e.g. my boyfriend pushing me to play at a bar. I express my anger in cutting myself if for an irrational reason. I know he is supportive. I express my anger in normal ways if deemed by me to be rational. My Dr. said it is not written anywhere that anger has to be for rational reasons. I got excited. My new homework is to express my anger not to cut. I also don't express anger because of how others treat my Grandmother. When they express anger to her then she cries - then the focus from them is to make sure she's OK. I don't want to make people cry so I don't express my anger. I warned my boyfriend that I will be expressing my anger. It makes me angry if he talks about a comedian but doesn't share it. Dr says to use family therapy to practice expressing my anger.

Feeling in last 10 minutes I want to stop because it gets sad after a while - sad to think that this happens 5-7 days a week for the last 3 months. It feels strange to break down my rituals].

I suspended the interview until the next day as a compassionate response to my client.

I asked to stop the interview because I got sad after an hour of thinking about "a day in my life" for months over the last 10 years. I feel too tired to engage in skillful behaviour - I'm paralysed. I slept after we talked. I swing between rational and emotional and not wise mind (from my DBT training). My Dr. asked: 'Can I accept that I bounce back and forth, and that middle ground exists'. For me there is so much swallowing of anger that I end up on rational side, and I go to intellectualizing. I got caught up in the emotion after our first interview. I was totally overwhelmed and scared that I'll never get out of it. Seeing a picture of a 17 lb rabbit in a magazine I bought in a store helped me realize that the world is full of random stuff that makes me laugh. If I just hold on and just remember to be strong.

From our first talk, I mentioned the techniques I use - music and a movie game. There are other processes I go through. It is hard because nobody knows I do it. They can't see it - it is invisible to others. I am tired all the time when in crisis - I can do little. I have 300% more energy when not in crisis. Therapy is better for me at the beginning of the day because I am spent by 3 pm. I also get muscular pain from my mood, in my back, neck and shoulder.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Same reason bad things happen to bad people. A part of the planet Earth is that there's good and bad. With challenges we learn to grow in exceptional ways, and we share with people to help our planet. Sometimes I think that I'm doing this with crisis. Yet it doesn't feel worth it. Pain and loneliness would be OK if it is because I'm doing it for our planet for a reason. Depression is a narcissistic disease. I focus on myself. It takes precedence over everything. It would be OK if I felt that I was doing someone else some good. I can't see it. If I could alleviate others suffering or they feel less alone. I haven't yet fully explored ways of doing this. You need to function at a certain level to help others but in crisis I am not at that level.

So far in getting treatment and receiving help, I think I am and I feel very lucky. I have been blest with people who have open minds. Yet I still cut and feel worthless and have self-destructive behaviour and thoughts. I feel really grateful for resources but feel bad because with all the resources "I still feel s--t", so what about the rest of my life. I see God in help I get. He doesn't give us a challenge we can't handle.

Where is God when I need him most?

When rational I think that I feel disconnected from source energy or God. It is like my umbilical cord to Him is clamped. We are God. The cord is connected to others and everything else. In crisis, I'm here and everyone else is here, but my mind is noisy so I can't hear God. "My mind is screaming and God is whispering". In emotional crisis there is no cord. No God in my life. I feel that my work is done and it's time to go.

Ultimately death is up to God but if he wanted me to be here it would go easier. By world standards life is great. In my heart I feel disconnected, so it is a huge struggle to stay here. When I have no energy, God must think it's finished so it's my time to go. Yet if it was finished, He would take me in my sleep. I struggle between these two views. I care about God. He means all the things that can't be explained - and that excites me. It suggests that there is a purpose to my condition, but "why do I have it if I can't do God's work?"

Commentary

Kushner (1981) concludes that we live in an imperfect world and that even God may be imperfect, especially in His creation. I believe that this is possible, and that we could take a stance that good and bad things happen to good and bad people. In other words, to classify people as good or bad and to attribute events based on this is futile. We live in a chaordic world and are subject to the laws of the Universe. God is in us and around us by our sides as we struggle well in an imperfect world. In this way we are co-creators with God in bringing greater enlightenment to an evolving world in order to bring it closer to perfection.

Reference

Kushner, H.S. (1981). When bad things happen to good people. New York: Avon Books.

SEAN LATIMER, B.Comm; CA(SA); MA
Registered Clinical Counsellor
15391 Russell Avenue
Lower Suite
White Rock, BC
V4B 2R2
CANADA

(604) 505-5244
info@seanlatimer.com

Sean Latimer, B.Comm; CA (SA); MA is a Registered Clinical Counsellor in private practice in White Rock, BC, Canada. His areas of practice are: trauma therapy (EMDR and OEI), relationships (Gottman Marital Therapy), and worklife & career issues.

http://www.seanlatimer.com

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The Diagnostic Features and Complications of Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD is a condition that is often characterized by rapidly shifting moods, impulsive actions, and chaotic relationships. The emotional crisis this person undergoes is unending, going from one crisis to another. In most cases, there is a dependency for certain loved ones, separation anxiety, an unstable self-image, threats of self-harm or chronic feelings of emptiness. While it is normal for most people to experience these, those who suffer from BPD experiences the more extreme versions, often diagnosed when these become the persistent behaviors and already causes major distress.

The prevalence of people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is around 2% of the entire population. This kind of disorder is more frequent in females, in fact, reaching up to 75% for females as compared to males. For common adolescents, these conditions are commonly found, but are expected to grow out once they pass the phase. On some unfortunate cases, these symptoms persist until adulthood and even intensify, and thus, they are diagnosed with this type of disorder. There is a possible risk of first degree biological relatives to experience the same disorder. This disorder is 5 times more common among these first degree relatives than the general population.

There is no definite course for this disorder. The most common pattern is some form of chronic instability during early adulthood. The good news is, during 30's-40's, when relationship and vocational functioning is established, the symptoms slowly diminish, and no longer meet the full criteria of Borderline Personality disorder.

The complications of this disorder varies from the extreme to the most manageable. The least of complication is the inability to function in their adult lives, such as recurrent job losses, repetitively interrupted education, and also broken marriages and inability to keep a long term partner. The most extreme cases occur on the 8-10% where completed suicides are committed by individuals with this disorder.

Susan Tanners is an enthusiast on the study of Borderline Personality Disorder, and has worked with many experts on BPD treatment. To know more about BPD, visit her site now.

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How To Help Someone With Depression, Suicidal Tendencies or Borderline Personality Disorder

Mental illness is a terrible malady. Many of us don't understand this disease and don't know how to handle it. We are frightened by it, somehow believing it may be contagious. Mental health hospitals and professionals also have a formidable challenge and there aren't any certain remedies. As a result many people with this illness die every year, from being misunderstood.

Borderline personality disorder is one of the worst forms of mental illness. People with this disorder attempt suicide often. It is a disease which normally occurs from being abused as a child. It is so dreadful that many family members abandon their loved ones who have [BPD], because it is extremely stressful on them. Although it is challenging, people can help victims of [BPD] if they understand this disease better.

There are many websites offering helpful information about this serious subject. Some suggest medications, where other websites state that the only real remedy is cognitive behavioral therapy (counseling). Love and family support is likely to be the best medicine. Below are some helpful tips about caring for a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Validation - Very important! Ask them questions about their problems and the very real pain they suffer.
Listen - When they need to talk, sit still and really be present for them.
Empathize - Express understanding and apply effort to helping them get relief from their misery.
Love - Tell them how much you love them and Jesus truly loves them, too!
Reassurance - Tell them you won't ever leave them or, "I'll always be here for you," and mean it.
Guilt - Tell them it isn't their fault and don't blame them for their illness.
Comfort - Continue to tell them everything will get better. Say it over and over!
Suicidal - Don't ever leave a person alone who is suicidal! Treat them as a baby and get a baby sitter if you have to go elsewhere. This is crucial!
Promises - Depressed people are hypersensitive and anxious. They can't stand having to wait or being lied to. Keep your word and always be truthful with them!
Friends - Contact their friends and alert them to the problem to design a circle of love.

While I hope this information is helpful, I realize the heavy burden you may be suffering and the many challenges you face. There are no easy answers - but nothing can take the place of love and understanding.

Dale Adams of Adams LLC is the author and self publisher of the new book, "Care Giving Made Easy - How to be an Awesome Caregiver" and the inventor of the Inspirational Walker Bag a walker bag with inspirational quotes for seniors and the, "Money Saving Calendar," a new information vehicle that informs consumers how to save and make money every month of the year. His many experiences include being a Security Consultant, General Contractor and Energy Conservation Specialist. To learn more valuable money saving information visit: [ http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1552819435 ]

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Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder in Women

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a very serious matter. The term borderline has been thrown around a lot lately and it is important to always see a trained and licensed therapist who specializes in BPD before trying to self diagnose or diagnose other friends you know with this troublesome malady.

A lady with borderline personality disorder can typically have the vast majority of her relationships be chaotic and unstable. A common theme in the lives of ladies with this illness is low self-esteem, frequent outbursts of anger and frustration, and impulsive behavior. All of the signs of borderline personality disorder in women begin fairly early in adulthood.

Common signs of this mental illness in women include the fear of being left alone or abandoned by those they love or in relationships. This fear of abandonment is a common theme in their life even when the abandonment is not a real threat or even a possibility. Loved ones can tell a lady with this disorder that they love them and will not leave them but the person suffering from BPD still fixates on the perceived abandonment.

Another sign of borderline personality disorder in ladies is that they tend to become dependent on others, often time this dependency combined with the fear of abandonment leads ladies to have erratic behavior and often times abandoning or ending relationships before there is a possibility for themselves to be abandoned.

Typically those who are diagnosed with this type of mental illness have at least five of the following signs of borderline personality disorder.

BPD in women trait number one: She makes frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Borderline personality disorder trait number two: Women with this disorder have a pattern of difficult relationships with the common theme of these relationships being erratic emotional extremes of either intense love and admiration or hatred of the person in the relationship.

Trait number three: Ladies with BPD often have an unstable self-image and are unsure of their own identities.

Trait number four: Women with BPD have a tendency to act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, these include spending sprees, sex with many partners, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, reckless driving and binge eating.

BPD in ladies trait number five: Women diagnosed with difficult malady often have long-term feelings of emptiness and depression.

Signs of borderline personality disorder in women trait number six: They often have frequent emotional outbursts and intense mood swings that can go from feeling depressed here to bowl and anxious to happy and euphoric in a very short matter of time. Sometimes these outbursts only last a few hours at a time, but others can go on for days.

Trait number seven is one to really watch out for: Women with borderline personality disorder often have suicidal thoughts or make threats of committing suicide to the people in their lives.

Borderline personality disorder in women trait number eight: Ladies with BPD often have inappropriate and extremely fierce anger and rage and have problems controlling their anger, rage and violence.

For more information on Borderline Personality Disorder please visit http://www.bpdsecrets.com.

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Borderline Personality Disorder and Ambivalence Toward Love

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious and misunderstood condition. Despite the fact that much has been written about it, it remains a mystery to many who encounter it.

I see BPD as a condition which results from significant childhood trauma. Although not everyone who suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder suffers from BPD, in my experience virtually everyone I've encountered with BPD also suffers from PTSD. The traumas these individuals experienced in early life have caused them to have debilitating symptoms.

BPD sufferers are terrified of abandonment, but also expect to be treated in the same way they were while growing up. As a result, they frequently provoke people to reject them in an unconscious attempt to deal with their fears: if rejection is inevitable, at least they can control when and how it happens.

These individuals often have complicated, even tormented relationships. They believe, deep down, that they must have deserved the childhood abuse or neglect and therefore have tremendous ambivalence around intimacy. They both want and fear love, convinced that it's associated with cruelty or rejection.

Because they feel like they're "bad" or "defective" they engage in a lot of self-destructive behavior; some of which is a cry to be rescued. They also can be very hurtful to others, unconsciously re-enacting the dysfunctional interactions they grew up with.

Sadly, many people with BPD are seen more as "trouble-makers" than as deeply wounded individuals. The trauma they experienced as children might be so subtle as to have gone unrecognized as the cause of their problem behaviors.

In many families, abuse and neglect take place in very subtle ways. Parents can be overly self-centered, resulting in the child feeling unimportant or unlovable; they can demand emotional care-taking, making the child feel responsible for their happiness; they can have inappropriately high expectations, leading the child to feel incompetent and inadequate or they can be overly-rigid and controlling, causing the child to feel helpless and overwhelmed.

Children raised in families in which the parents give a lot of contradictory messages (whether overtly or covertly) become angry, ambivalent and confused adults who are unsure of their own feelings and perceptions. Many of these people turn their anger inward against themselves. Some act out in rage and despair. Some, if the messages were particularly crazy-making, fall into paranoia, dissociation or even psychotic episodes.

Childhood trauma has a regressive effect on the personality and prevents people them from developing psychologically into fully-functioning adults. They function more like lost children, behaving impulsively and irrationally; going to emotional extremes and vacillating between fury and desperation.

They may be provocative, uncooperative and challenging, and yet, what they need most is to know that they are safe, loved and understood. The challenge for the therapist is to avoid playing into their expectations of rejection and instead provide these individuals with the stability, healthy boundaries and reassurance they've always needed.

(C) Marcia Sirota MD 2010

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