If you are Living with Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder it means that most probably you found this article because you were looking for answers for the difficulties and challenges in your relationship.
Before getting into the answers, there are a few things you need to know about this mental disorder. They will help you implement better the tips presented in the second part of this article.
Borderline personality is famous for its characteristic fear of abandonment. This fear stems from invalidating and abusive relationships with the parents in childhood or adolescence.
In the first years of life we humans rely on attention, love, and affection from our parents or caregivers. So when we get instead invalidating and offending behaviors, children tend to interpret these as signs of abandonment or punishment.
Consequently if such negative behaviors keep coming from the parents, the child will also tend to think that he/she is the cause of these parental attitudes. Moreover, in the subconscious will emerge central self-downing and self-deprecating beliefs, which will become eventually parts of one's personality if changes don't occur meanwhile.
Also, if these core attitudes are coupled with other similar ones, they will elicit symptoms and behaviors specific for borderline personality disorder.
This fear of abandonment can manifest not only as a simple fear, but also as a phobia or even horror.
So when living with someone with borderline personality disorder, the non partner could face a constant demand for love, affection, understanding, and reassurance.
Those behaviors and attitudes of the parents which lead to the abandonment fear in the child are usually coming unexpectedly, which will lead the child to think that abandonment can possibly come at any time, even when everything seemed to be ok one moment ago.
Therefore what you would like to do is to give your dear one the needed validation and love, and ALSO mention that your feelings will be the same even though you will not be able to show them for various reasons, like job or other daily responsibilities.
Stating these things this way will send the message that your dear person can be sure about your feelings regardless you are able to show them or not given the circumstances.
When living with someone with borderline personality disorder, this way of manifesting your feelings will help your dear one regain his/her inner balance, and will also give a positive impulse to your relationship.
People who suffer from borderline personality are also known for their quick emotional shifts, from seeming calmness into anger episodes and manipulation. Some might see these as acts of selfishness or narcissism, but in reality they are desperate attempts for regaining validation, love, and understanding.
What you would like to do in such situation is, instead of giving in, to remain calm and collected, to restate your feelings and dismiss the negative behaviors of the person you care for on a calm and firm voice.
Using this strategy you'll not only remind your loved one that your feelings didn't change at all in spite of his/her conduct, but you will also give a negative feedback to the unwanted behaviors without being perceived as accusing.
If this will not work at the first time, don't worry and stick to it. This strategy speaks directly to the deepest needs of the borderline sufferer, so results should come up after not too long.
By the way, I have an ebook for you if you want to learn more about what you need to do when living with someone with borderline personality disorder. It is called "Surviving The Hellhole" and I want you to have it for free!
Living With Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder: http://www.theborderlinetreatment.com/living-with-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder/.
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